ext_472 (
vilakins.livejournal.com
) wrote
in
kalinda001
2008-09-07 12:18 am (UTC)
no subject
I look forward to your explanation the whole Anna Grant AKA Sula Chesku mess.
Avon’s mind was moving towards the verge of collapsing
Not wrong, but "Avon’s mind was on the verge of collapse" gives a better sense of urgency. :-)
Vila asked nervously, “What does he want?” Del Grant had made him nervous during the incident on Albian. Plus Avon had killed his sister.
One too many references to nervousness.
human beings have never been blessed with an over abundance of intelligence.
over-abundance
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no subject
Avon’s mind was moving towards the verge of collapsing
Not wrong, but "Avon’s mind was on the verge of collapse" gives a better sense of urgency. :-)
Vila asked nervously, “What does he want?” Del Grant had made him nervous during the incident on Albian. Plus Avon had killed his sister.
One too many references to nervousness.
human beings have never been blessed with an over abundance of intelligence.
over-abundance